Lance, I love you even if Gordon doesn't - Woodman
This blog is really intended to be a two part series, the first to be about Lance Armstrong and the 2nd to be about cycling fans.
Yesterday in the Tour de France (please pronounce it fr-Ance instead of the smarmy stuck up way frAHHnce) Lance Armstrong reportedly conceded the race to his Spanish teammate Alberto Contador and has agreed to play more of a supporting role in the last few stages of the race. This is bigger news in the world of veggie burger eating bicycle racing fans than it is for the average Doritos eater, but it still makes news because of the incredible racer Armstrong continues to be even after his terrible struggles with cancer. I don’t claim to know a whole lot about the sport, and I don’t want to take anything away from the accomplishments of Armstrong, but the man is a complete dick.
My first impression of Armstrong back nearly a decade ago, was that he was a true force to be reckoned with, a Texas man with good down home roots. When he got together with music beauty Sheryl Crow, I was impressed that cycling could take a man that high and far. I never really follow the “tour” so my only real updates with the man came only from gossip news and movie appearances. What I found was that I hate the rider. It’s hard to say that because I will always root for an American over some cocky ass Spaniard, but in this case they could almost be one in the same. Let’s review a few of Armstrong’s more questionable moments over the years:
-Last year Armstrong was leaving The Backstage Bar in Texas with his drink. At the door the bouncer alerted Armstrong that he wasn’t allowed to do that. Armstrong began to berate the bouncer with a series of insults an threats including, “you will never work at this bar again.”
-Lance has done a lot for cancer patients, and for that he should be praised. Again, I do not wish to detract from that, but something doesn’t sit well with me with his Shepard Fairey Designed Trek Madone bike. He has two numbers on the bike…1,274 and 27.2 million. The 1,274 represents how many days there were between his last race after being diagnosed and his comeback. The 27.2 million represents the number of people that died because of the disease during that time period. Am I off here or is he trying to suggest that now that he is back on his bike things are going to change for people? Just seems a bit off putting.
-For all you eco-geeks, you should know that last August Lance used 330,000 gallons of water at his home…nearly 38 times the average water consumption of people in Austin.
-Armstrong was married to a very attractive Kristin Richard in 1998. They had three kids. Kristin allowed Lance to pursue his dream and train in Spain for the ‘Tour’ and when Lance got cancer she was beside him, supporting him every step of the way. For her efforts she got a divorce notice in 2003 and very soon after learned of his new relationship with Crow.
-Lance ditched Sheryl Crow right when she was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2005.
-Back in October of 2007 then 36 year old Lance was caught gallivanting with then 21 year old skeletor Ashley Olsen in New York City. They were even seen leaving together at 3am.
-Armstrong sued an animal group for making yellow dog collars that he claimed resembled his wristbands. Real cute Lance. I hope WWII vets sue your ass for ripping off their yellow ribbons tied ‘round the ol’ oak tree.
-In 2008 Lance got mouthy with an airline attendant who claimed Armstrong was drunk and surly with the crew.
These are just a few quick examples. The last thing I wanted for Lance is to get all cocky with his cycling fame but it happened, and it happened long ago. There doesn’t seem to be any help for him at this point. I hope you took note at the fact that this list doesn’t even include all of the testy moments he had with the media during the doping scandal. If you were to combine that with his personal life, you would certainly add him to your “do not hang out with list.” Lucky for me, I was never planning on kicking it with Lance, or for you Tour de France snobs, LaHHHnce.
~ Gordon “My thoughts don’t necessarily represent those of The Jack of All Sports” Southard
Filed under: Cycling Tagged: | Ashley Olsen, Lance Armstrong, Sheryl Crow, Tour de France
Your thoughts definitely do represent those of this “Jack of all Sports” host. I have never liked Lance and I didn’t even know about all of these incidents you mentioned. All these women are better off without him and should stick to dating guys that play real sports.
To be honest I think he’s a narcissistic prick, BUT he has raised millions of dollars for cancer research and has inspired people, so I can deal with him. That being said, if he loses the Tour I won’t shed a tear.
Awesome article Gordon!
Just a bit more into the Sheryl Crow factoid:
Not only did he break up with her when she was diagnosed with breast cancer but his apparent reasoning was due to the pressure she put on him to get married and have kids. He apparently wasn’t into that and yet it was announced last December that his current girlfriend is pregnant. Planned or not I just find it funny how things change. He has done a lot of great things, there is no denying that, but there seems to be a lot of hypocrisy to his game. He’s a great cyclist, but I find it hard to respect him due to the many tasteless decisions he has made in his personal life.
I have a picture with Lance, me, my brother, and brother in-law at the Rose Bowl in 2007 before the Texas/USC game. We were in the VIP parking lot, so there weren’t many knuckles asking for Lance’s autograph etc. But he was a good sport about taking the photo with us and I consider him to be the biggest sports star I have ever met. When you have his level of celebrity, it is tough to be perfect all the time. And trust me, I am chock full o’spite from all of my doubters throughout the years. I will be personally embarking on the “kiss my ass” world tour as soon as I sign my first big deal with CBS Radio. So let’s lighten up on the guy who should be an American hero. As the bible says, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
Pat Tillman is an American hero. Lance Armstrong is just an asshole on a bike, but let’s hope he stays relevant so he can keep cutting fat checks for cancer research.
Please, you don’t have to die to be a hero. Just because Lance hasn’t given his life in battle does not make him any less of a hero. My father is dying of cancer and he and his foundation have certainly been hero’s to our family.
you can be a hero in other areas aside from the battlefield. Going into France and coming home with hardware 7 times is pretty heroic in my book.
Lance has tried to ruin the sport. All he has done is made the casual american bike rider into thinking they know something about the sport because they briefly caught the top 10 on espn when Lance was getting flowers and a yellow jersey. Stop watching the sport. We dont want you or Lance. There are too many good cyclers out there.
It’s about time someone knocked this guy. I cant stand him. And i saw him riding his bike in a park, i’d throw a stick in his path.
Is riding a bicycle really a sport? I’d consider it more of a competition. And a hobby for jerks who pretend to be sponsored on weekends. It’s probably a little scary going downhill, but there’s not really any coordination needed above a 5-year-old level, and limited decision making. (I hope you don’t give out my email, don’t want to deal with a barrage of european hate letters)
Lance a superb competitor? yes. kind of a doucher? also yes.
good article
Boy, If you are going to write articles, you might want to look up a few facts that are correct. You obviously know absolutely nothing about Lance Armstrong except gossip that you have heard. Most of your statements are completely false. It amazes me how most readers don’t even question the truthfulness of most articles.