Bonjour Mon Ami!

Qu’un jour fantastique c’est! Qu’une Tournée fantastique de France ! J’aime être suffisant!

Oh, pardon! I suppose you may not have caught that. Greetings everyone! Wow, what a Tour de Frahhhhhnce huh? I’m having a hard time thinking about it right now due to the 3 bottles of Romanée Conti I downed this weekend. A normal Tour hangover indeed. How did you celebrate the Tour? Did you have your friends over for a bottle of pinot and Afuega’l Pitu?

My hope is you didn’t. My other hope is that you didn’t spend 3 weeks acting like a Tour de France fan. (I’m even a little uncomfortable putting the “de” in there, but I suppose it’s the proper name) Sure, being a casual fan and taking note of the winners is ok. Even being a bit excited when bastard Lance Armstrong was winning his seven in a row is acceptable, but what chaps my ass is the random kid who wants to talk cycling with you this time of year. I would venture to say that less than a half percent of people in this world really know the ins and outs of cycling. Even a casual soccer fan knows something about the sport because many of us played it growing up. Soccer fans don’t bother me in the least, and I even get caught up in it (fantastic AC Milan vs. Chelsea match Friday night), but we have to turn the snob meter up when it comes to these other “non main-stream sports” fans.

People that claim to be cycling fans blow through the meter as fast as latte drinking yoga fanatics. Some would say golf fans are up there, but often time they actually participate in the sport they like to watch, like tennis fans. If a cycling fan actually participates in the sport he or she so “loves,” then you find them on another level of snob. A golf fan might have some old hand-me-down clubs and play on the municipal course, but a cycling fan has some fancy-dancy bike and a streamline helmet with spandex pants. They also have the notion that all lazy motorist should yield to their every move. Golfers and tennis players rarely get in my way. A pack of snobs riding along on Rt. 147 causes a major situation.

The other problem is, often times cycling “fans” have no idea what they are talking about. All I can ever get out of them is that “the mountain stages separate the winners from the losers.” Oh, and sometimes I hear “you gotta have a great team strategy to win.” Give me a break. What does anyone of us know about strategy in cycling? In fact, who even knows how you qualify to ride in the Tour de France? Wouldn’t that be something important to know as a “fan”? I know how a pro football player or baseball player gets into the major leagues. Is the Tour a “Grand Slam” of sorts? What is the next event for these riders? Why do winners hold that stuffed lion? How about this, where is Andy Schleck from? You should know right? After all, he was the second best rider in the whole thing.

I guess my point is this, if you like the event, fine. Please don’t come to me and act like you live for the event though. I have yet to meet someone that claims to be a fan that can actually answer just a few questions I have about the sport. If you love riding your bike around town, that’s fine, but that doesn’t qualify you as an automatic cycling fan. Keep with the things you know, how to pay too much for wine and how to alienate your family.

P.S. I generally dislike all things French.

P.P.S. If you still love Lance, please watch the awards ceremony from Sunday. He acted like a child on the podium.

~ Gordon Southard

Lance, I love you even if Gordon doesn't - Woodman

This blog is really intended to be a two part series, the first to be about Lance Armstrong and the 2nd to be about cycling fans.

Yesterday in the Tour de France (please pronounce it fr-Ance instead of the smarmy stuck up way frAHHnce) Lance Armstrong reportedly conceded the race to his Spanish teammate Alberto Contador and has agreed to play more of a supporting role in the last few stages of the race. This is bigger news in the world of veggie burger eating bicycle racing fans than it is for the average Doritos eater, but it still makes news because of the incredible racer Armstrong continues to be even after his terrible struggles with cancer. I don’t claim to know a whole lot about the sport, and I don’t want to take anything away from the accomplishments of Armstrong, but the man is a complete dick.

My first impression of Armstrong back nearly a decade ago, was that he was a true force to be reckoned with, a Texas man with good down home roots. When he got together with music beauty Sheryl Crow, I was impressed that cycling could take a man that high and far. I never really follow the “tour” so my only real updates with the man came only from gossip news and movie appearances. What I found was that I hate the rider. It’s hard to say that because I will always root for an American over some cocky ass Spaniard, but in this case they could almost be one in the same. Let’s review a few of Armstrong’s more questionable moments over the years:

-Last year Armstrong was leaving The Backstage Bar in Texas with his drink. At the door the bouncer alerted Armstrong that he wasn’t allowed to do that. Armstrong began to berate the bouncer with a series of insults an threats including, “you will never work at this bar again.”

-Lance has done a lot for cancer patients, and for that he should be praised. Again, I do not wish to detract from that, but something doesn’t sit well with me with his Shepard Fairey Designed Trek Madone bike. He has two numbers on the bike…1,274 and 27.2 million. The 1,274 represents how many days there were between his last race after being diagnosed and his comeback. The 27.2 million represents the number of people that died because of the disease during that time period. Am I off here or is he trying to suggest that now that he is back on his bike things are going to change for people? Just seems a bit off putting.

-For all you eco-geeks, you should know that last August Lance used 330,000 gallons of water at his home…nearly 38 times the average water consumption of people in Austin.

-Armstrong was married to a very attractive Kristin Richard in 1998. They had three kids. Kristin allowed Lance to pursue his dream and train in Spain for the ‘Tour’ and when Lance got cancer she was beside him, supporting him every step of the way. For her efforts she got a divorce notice in 2003 and very soon after learned of his new relationship with Crow.

-Lance ditched Sheryl Crow right when she was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2005.

-Back in October of 2007 then 36 year old Lance was caught gallivanting with then 21 year old skeletor Ashley Olsen in New York City. They were even seen leaving together at 3am.

-Armstrong sued an animal group for making yellow dog collars that he claimed resembled his wristbands. Real cute Lance. I hope WWII vets sue your ass for ripping off their yellow ribbons tied ‘round the ol’ oak tree.

-In 2008 Lance got mouthy with an airline attendant who claimed Armstrong was drunk and surly with the crew.

These are just a few quick examples. The last thing I wanted for Lance is to get all cocky with his cycling fame but it happened, and it happened long ago. There doesn’t seem to be any help for him at this point. I hope you took note at the fact that this list doesn’t even include all of the testy moments he had with the media during the doping scandal. If you were to combine that with his personal life, you would certainly add him to your “do not hang out with list.” Lucky for me, I was never planning on kicking it with Lance, or for you Tour de France snobs, LaHHHnce.

~ Gordon “My thoughts don’t necessarily represent those of The Jack of All Sports” Southard