#1. If you listen to my radio show, you know I want Tiger Woods to do well at the Masters. It is impossible to predict how he will play after an extended lay-off, but I am going to assume he will be rusty. If Tiger can stay within 6 or 7 shots after two rounds, he will have a chance to make a run during the weekend. Tiger has himself to blame for all of the media scrutiny and criticism that has been directed his way over the last few months. Nobody feels sorry for a guy that has been proven to be an adulterous liar, and few people embrace the Playboy Tiger Woods. But, I love Tiger Woods the golfer. I love athletes that get the electron microscope treatment from the media. I love athletes that are criticized by average people who have no idea what it is like to walk one day in a celebrity’s shoes. I love athletes that have something to prove and are driven by spite. Please Tiger, I beg you, go out and win the Masters so that every golfer on the PGA tour has a microphone shoved in their face asking them about your storybook return to golf. Let’s make all the golfers on tour, who know that golf is irrelevant without you, have to field another dozen questions about you. Who will be the first golfer to go postal and punch a reporter? Whether he does poorly or does well, golf purses would drop dramatically without El Tigre in the field.

#2. Manchester United came out against Bayern Munich and established a 3-0 first half lead at Old Trafford in their second quarterfinal Champions League match. Nani, who I have been touting for the last three months, was the most dynamic player on the field (along with Robben & Ribery). The Portuguese winger scored twice and helped United stake which seemed to be a insurmountable lead. Bayern forward Ivica Olic scored a pivotal goal right before the half to cut the lead to 3-1, giving the German side a huge lift.

Sir Alex Ferguson, the United manager, started three young players in this crucial match. Nani, midfielder Darron Gibson, and 19 year old Brazilian Rafael. Gibson responded with a goal, Nani responded with two goals, and Rafael rewarded the gaffers vote of confidence with a red card. United had to hold off Bayern for 40 minutes while playing with 10 men and eventually conceded a brilliant goal to Arjen Robben in the 74th minute. Even though United won the game 3-2, the aggregate of the two head to head games was 4-4. Bayern advanced on the away goals rule, and will join Inter Milan, Barcelona, and Lyon in the semifinal.

Truthfully, I am not that upset as a United fan. I am disappointed that United will be unable to capitalize on playing a very beatable Lyon side to advance to the Champions League Final. But, with Wayne Rooney playing injured, United lacked the creativity and class required to be a top drawer side. By making the quarterfinals in Champions League, and IF United finish second to Chelsea in the English Premier League, I think this was the ceiling of their potential this season. Aside from Rooney, Nani, and an aging Giggs, United are a functional side that lacks any real artistry. The Red Devils are a hard working group that can hit you on the counter, but the workmanlike midfield reminds me of the U.S. National team. The present is frustrating for United fans, but the future for United is very bright. Nani, Rooney, Obertan, Vidic, Macheda, and Valencia will give United a solid core for years to come.

#3. Gary Williams is often criticized for his recruiting methods and for failing to sign top rated prospects. However, it is difficult to criticize his record and accomplishments on the Maryland sideline, as the Terps have been a consistent NCAA tournament participant for the last two decades. I want Maryland to sign some blue chip recruits, don’t get me wrong. But, I can live with a team full of four year players who play team basketball, yet lack individuals who possess NBA potential.

Modern blue chip college basketball players have little interest in representing their school. They are much more interested in their one year audition for the NBA. If you are a Kentucky alum, how do you really feel about the direction of the program? Sure, from a recruiting standpoint you can brag that you have the a top class coming in every year under Calipari. And yes, the most recent Kentucky team did deliver an SEC regular season championship and conference tournament championship. But, can you really embrace a team that cares more about their individual success than what it means to represent the tradition of Kentucky basketball? If you went to a small school or a school with a terrible basketball history, you would say “sure, bring on the one year players.” But if you went to Kentucky, you aren’t going to like being a one year revolving door that leads to the NBA.

The main reason that there is such parity in college basketball is because mid-major teams keep their top players on the roster for four years. Players grow together and understand their roles. You still need talent, but a senior with inferior NBA pedigree can compete on the same level as any freshmen or sophomore player with Top 10 NBA draft potential.

In the 80′s, the majority of top players wanted to play in the Big East, ACC, or Pac 10. They didn’t mind playing bench minutes as their rite of passage into the league their freshman year. Now, kids would rather start at Kent St. than be the sixth man for North Carolina. And with all of the regional television coverage, players can get all of the exposure they need in order to generate NBA interest.

The fact that Wilcat freshmen Bledsoe and Orton declared for the NBA draft is an absolute joke. But, this will open up scholarships and pave the way for top high school seniors Brandon Knight, Josh Selby, and C.J. Leslie to attend Kentucky next season as they showcase their talent during their one year audition in Rupp Arena.

Georgia Tech fans, I hope you enjoyed your one year of watching Derrick Favors. I certainly will enjoy my four years of watching Jordan Williams.

Woodman – go Tiger go!

Do you think it is a coincidence that the same year Ray Lewis was accused of being involved with a felony murder, the Ravens won the Super Bowl? Also, is it a coincidence that the same year A-Rod is tortured by the press for cheating on his wife with Madonna, and for failing a steroid test, the Yankees win the World Series?

How about Kobe desperately seeking vindication after losing to the Celtics in the 2008 NBA Finals, as critics claimed he would never win a ring without Shaq? I am sure it is just a coincidence that the Lakers won the NBA championship in 2009.

How about the New Orleans Saints? The Saints represented an entire city that desperately needed a ray of hope after being destroyed by Hurricane Katrina. The Saints season was an emotional story for the ages as they beat the Colts to capture the 2010 Lombardi trophy.

How about Michael Phelps beating Milorad Cavic in the first big event following the Olympics, after the Serb talked major smack (thus fueling Phelp’s competitive drive)?

I am sure it is just a coincidence that after being tarred and feathered by the media for being an underachiever at the 2006 Winter Olympics, Bode Miller answered the bell with three medals including a gold in Vancouver.

I have said it 1,000 times: 21st century athletes are no longer driven by women, money, and fame. The emotional story and spite are the major catalysts that drive athletes to greatness in the modern era of sports.

There is no doubt that Tiger Woods should be vilified in the media for his sexual transgressions. How can you feel sorry for a billionaire that made a mess of his personal life because he thought he was above the standard of normal decency? However, Tiger has been distracted over the last three years because of the following: his father died, he got married, had two kids, and then cheated on his wife with numerous escorts. The events of the past few months are going to harden the resolve of the World’s best golfer, and he is going to be more focused than ever. Tiger has a chip on his shoulder the size of Cleveland. All of the recent media scrutiny is going to propel Tiger to a run of dominance never seen before in golf history. Trust me. Once Tiger knocks off the rust, he will win 8 of the next 10 majors.

Last but not least, how about John Calipari? The Kentucky coach was roasted in the offseason for being a cheater, for being a liar, and for failing to run a clean program anywhere. Calipari left Memphis high and dry quitting the job, stealing most of the Tiger’s blue chip recruits, and then bringing them with him to Kentucky. The media keeps saying that Kentucky is talented but too young to win it all. People are quick to point out that Calipari has never won a national championship, and that Memphis offered up one of the all time chokes in NCAA history by blowing a late lead against Kansas in the 2008 Finals. Even though I have Kansas winning it all in both my pools, don’t be surprised to see Calipari cut down the nets in Indianapolis.

Spite and emotion will carry you far not only in sports, but in life.

Woodman – fueled by spite my whole life

I don’t want to put anyone to sleep with any long winded diatribes today. I just want to drop a Top Twelve list of thoughts and impressions which have been at the forefront of my mind regarding sports:

12) Landon Donovan showed the world that he is a great footballer during his loan stint at Everton. Hey Landon, please don’t get complacent now. Step up and lead the U.S. to something remarkable in South Africa. Maybe Baltimore’s Favorite Ravens fan Pat Cary and his buddies will consider soccer a relevant sport if you get some results.

11) Non-soccer fans need to quit dismissing Beckham as a “has been” who only gets attention because of his lifestyle off the field. Beckham certainly isn’t a great player anymore, but he is still a world class footballer who is deadly accurate with his free kicks. Imagine Beckham being substituted into an England World Cup game in the 73rd minute and putting a ball on the head of 6’8″ Peter Crouch for the game winner? Not gonna happen now with the achilles injury, but please, haters need to relax.

10) Dear Ben, thanks for distracting the media frenzy from my sexual transgressions with one of your own. Please lie, deny, and do everything you can to stay in the news. Sincerely, Tiger Woods

9) Tiger Woods is a golfer. Tiger is not employed by the government or any religious institution. The only apology I want from Tiger is if he DOESN’T play in the Masters. Breaking news: Tiger will make his return to golf for the Masters on April 8th.

I wish NFL free agency was like this every year. Normally the top teams lose half their roster following a good season because franchises love to over pay for their free agents. I like it that the top teams are staying in tact and will have a chance to get better in the draft. I don’t miss seeing bums from winning teams get huge contracts because they were on a Super Bowl caliber team.

7) Before the college basketball season started this was my exact statement: “whatever your expectations are for the Terps, raise them. I guaranteed a Top 4 finish in the ACC and an appearance in the Sweet 16. I will be true to my word.

6) The ACC isn’t the only conference that is weak this year. ALL of college basketball is down. There are no great teams in this field of 65 and every team is flawed. I am sure many sports fans want to go outside the box and pick a national champion other than the Jayhawks. The parity in college basketball this year exists from seeds 3-14, but the top chalk will stick. Rock Chalk Jayhawk.

5) I love it that Pau Gasol is criticizing Kobe Bryant in the media for taking too many shots.

4) All signs point to the Yankees picking up Carl Crawford in free agency after this season. MLB might as well cancel the 2011 season if this happens and just give the World Series trophy to the Yankees. How about this roster: Montero/Posada, Teixeira, Cano, Jeter, A-Rod, Granderson, Crawford, Sabathia, Burnett, Vasquez, Chamberlain, Pettitte….hilarious. Any Oriole fan against divisional realignment should have their head examined.

3) The Orioles aren’t going to win 81 games this year and break their streak of 12 consecutive losing seasons. Oriole fans should be happy to have players on the roster that can give them hope for the future. But the future isn’t now, and presently they are a 75 win team at best.

2) I still love Cheryl Bernard and the ladies of curling calendar. Curling is the new sport I have added to my repertoire after getting hooked watching the female curlers in the Olympics.

1) I know a lot of intelligent hockey fans that have told me that the Capitals have no chance of beating the Blackhawks in the Stanley Cup finals. How about this scenario: The Capitals lose their best player, fall behind 3-0 on the road in Chicago, score three 3rd period goals to force OT, and win outright in overtime? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Don’t sleep on my beloved Capitals.

NFL Free Agency doesn’t start until March 5th and the draft will not take place until April 29th. There is nothing more exciting than speculating over player movement and draft possibilities (sarcasm). Nobody outside of Ozzie Newsome has any idea who the Ravens will target in free agency or the draft. So what is the point of talking about some donkey who ran a fast 40 and showed a great vertical leap at the combine? NFL fans obsess about what their teams needs in the draft, what round they should draft certain positions, and who they should take within that framework. Listen folks, you have no idea what is going to happen, you don’t have access to the real information, and you aren’t going to get it right.

I love it when listeners call the show to ask me how I feel about Arrelious Benn, Brandon LaFell, or Demaryius Thomas. These are my feelings: I do not have a job that allows me to watch hours of tape from their college career, and there is a 99% chance they won’t wear a Ravens uniform anyhow. And if they do, 99% of wide receivers take three years to develop, so let’s not waste four hours speculating on some knuckle who will have 41 receptions, 598 yards, and two touchdowns in 2010.

Seriously, why would a sports fan  want to watch UFC 110 (only the fastest growing sport in the world), or watch Inter Milan play Chelsea in the Champions League (soccer is the World’s most popular sport, but we have it right and they all have it wrong)? How about the Olympics, college basketball, or follow the NBA trade deadline and forecast how these moves will affect the NBA playoffs?

This is why: because nobody cares. MMA sucks, soccer is boring, 5% of the callers can hang with Terp talk, and NOBODY cares about the Winter Olympics. The town doesn’t have an NBA team or NHL team, and people in Baltimore dislike people/teams in D.C.

I am in a sports talk prison this time of year. I find it amazing that people can have the same Ravens conversation day, after day, after day, after day, after week, after months regardless of the time of year. I also love the “Peter Angelos is the worst owner in sports” and the Orioles are permanently jinxed with him as the owner. By the way, do the Ravens need a wide receiver?

If Julius Peppers, Brandon Marshall, LaDanian Tomlinson, Dunta Robinson or any other notable NFL player changes teams, OF COURSE I want to talk about it. When a team makes a trade to improve draft positioning or makes a move to strengthen or weaken a Ravens rival, OF COURSE I want to talk about it. As we approach the draft and get a better sense of where teams stand after six weeks of free agency, please LETS SPECULATE.

The Dallas Cowboys are my favorite team in any sport, but I don’t need to go to the website everyday and read what some blogger has to say about the draft. I know every player on the roster. I know what the Cowboys need. I don’t need ANYONE to tell me ANYTHING. I only care about something that is real; like resigning Miles Austin to a long term contract or trading Marion Barber for additional draft picks. Everything else if FLUFF. I don’t need ANY fluff, because I am a fan of a number of other sports and can entertain myself and direct my passion elsewhere until something more relevant comes up with my NFL team.

I am not preparing for my show on Saturday. I am going to let all of geniuses call my show and recap the combine, detail which players moved up the ladder based upon attributes that may or may not translate over to a real football game, and tell me what the Ravens should/will do. I am sure when we look back in two months that every caller will be wrong, and all of the time will be wasted when it could have been directed to something timely and relevant. But I know, every other sport sucks and this is a Ravens town.

By the way, did you know that the Ravens need a wide receiver?

Breaking news: the Ravens should trade for Brandon Marshall.

Woodman – losing my mind

The real news in the world of baseball is the rumored impending marriage between legendary baller Derek Jeter and Minka Kelly. The wedding is supposed to take place in November at a posh residence on Long Island.

Minka Kelly looks to be the lucky girl who will ultimately call herself Mrs. Derek Jeter. Minka is the daughter of former Aerosmith guitarist Rick Dufay and Vegas showgirl Maureen Kelly. How does the Friday Night Light’s star stack up against Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johansson, Mariah Carey, Vanessa Minnillo, Gabrielle Union, and Victoria Secret model Adriana Lima? I am a Scarlett Johansson fan myself. Jeter has dated the who’s who of Hollywood and has maximized the spoils that come with being the captain of the New York Yankees. Jeter’s five World Series rings don’t hurt his cause either. All male sports fans know (until the Tiger Woods revelation) that Jeter is the quintessential bachelor and are jealous of his female conquests.

This all leads up to a very important question: Should Jeter have waited until retirement to lock down the 20 something Hollywood vixen? Or is he smart for locking it down at the tail end of his career before he reaches retirement and runs the risk of not getting the same caliber of women because he won’t be as relevant?

Should a 35 year old Jeter try to maximize his last few years of baseball stardom and add a few more Maxim Top 100 names to his list? Jeter is still playing great baseball and is coming off a season where he hit .334, 18 HR, 66 RBI, 107 runs, and 30 SB. It is safe to say that he is still very relevant and at the forefront of baseball marketing. This still makes Jeter a top bachelor selection for Hollywood’s sexiest darlings.

So I ask: Is Minka Kelly legit? Could he have done better? Is he making the right decision? Should Jeter have waited? Or is it the right time to lock down the right girl and start building a family that will give Jeter an heir to his empire.

Woodman – 3 days to Colorado – Don’t sleep on that picture of Minka Kelly

Hey bud, are you lost? Green Bay isn’t playing here tonight. What a mix up huh? I don’t know which website or service you use to get your NFL schedule and tickets but they have led you very wrong. Actually, you’re just a true Grade-A a**hole. Do you know that? I am sure you do. I imagine you standing in your room in front of your mirror staring at yourself wearing that Green Bay jersey before the game and thinking “oh man I am awesome and so ironic; I am going to show everyone just how much I love the Packers!” Well guess what…no one is impressed and no one gives a sh** about your team here.

Oh, wait! Now you feel it necessary to stand up and flaunt your jersey? Now you have shown your true self. You are from New Jersey and you are a piece of shi*. Ah, there you go, a pretzel at your head. No, don’t turn around and act surprised, shocked and dismayed. You brought this on yourself and you deserve worse. People that think it is ok to wear another team’s apparel have very low self esteem. 

Oops a half eaten hot dog hit your nasty looking troll of a brother..oh wait..nope that’s your girlfriend. Such a shame huh? Well you brought it on yourself. If you are going to go to a game between two teams you don’t care about please follow proper etiquette. Just a heads up, the proper etiquette is to go to the game not wearing anything related to another NFL team. You do have something other than football jerseys right? This might be assuming too much based on your insistence on wearing a short sleeve v-neck under your Donald Driver jersey in sub-freezing weather.  If you don’t want your date to get hit by food, then please just come to the game wearing a normal jacket and hat. That’s it…no need to get fancy or try to prove anything to anyone, just come and enjoy the game.

So in closing, you are an a**hole for thinking you are a bad ass for wearing another teams jersey at a game. Anyone that thinks that is ok is also an a**hole.

Sincerely yours,

Gordon Southard

 The sports world is full of superstitions. These rituals have almost become a part of the game. There are far too many for this blog to cover them all, but let’s take a look at some. 

• A commonly known one is the hockey playoff beard. Word on the streets is that superstition started with the New York Islanders in the 80’s. Some players will choose to trim their beard after a playoff loss but never completely shave it. Nowadays fans copy the fad and even CFL teams do it once the playoffs start for them.
• You may have recently read how Wizards’ Caron Butler gave up his Mountain Dew superstition. Before giving it up he would drink a 2-liter of the green stuff before and during every game.
• Jason Terry of the Dallas Mavericks wears the shorts of the next opposing team the night before the game.  Terry also eats chicken before each game and wears up to 5 pairs of socks when on the court.
• Continuing with the NBA, you have probably noticed that basketball players usually have a free throw routine. There is enough to be said about this to form a separate blog. The one that pops in my head first is Rip Hamilton where he dribbles the ball down and to his side several times before shooting. Here are some other examples, and the players talking about the very issue…. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mttHlV1WjMk.  Have you ever heard of Andrew Bogut? Is this really his tradition? I don’t watch enough NBA to know…  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zc11PUnFgkQ
• Baseball players have a fair amount of them. You see when a batter gets to the plate he often runs through a variety of them from messing with his helmet to loosening and tightening his batting gloves a number of times. Larry Walker used to have everything be centered around the number “3”. He took practice swings in multiples of three, wore No. 33, and bought tickets for 33 disadvantaged kids when he played in Montreal, to be seated in Section 333 at Olympic Stadium.
• Football is another sport with plenty of mental cases. 49’ers Dre Bly personally washes his car before every home game. Wearing the number 13 is also somewhat of a no-no, but you can’t convince Kurt Warner of that.
• Golf has a ton of them. For instance, you should never switch your ball midway through a round and starting before noon gives you the best luck. Arnold Palmer used to have his wife kiss each of his clubs before going out to play. PGA’s John Cook will only mark his ball with quarters that feature states where he has played well.
• NASCAR has a strange one against peanuts in the shell. Drivers do not want peanuts that are in the shell anywhere near their garages.  Jeremy Mayfield doesn’t want anything to do with the color green, and Dale Earnhardt refused to use or touch $50 bills.

Now these are really just a few. You could go through and pretty much name over 100 for each team in each sport. I guess in the end it makes sense to me. If you are living the dream and playing your sport professionally, you realize that it could all come crumbling down at a moment’s notice. Doing whatever it takes to prepare mentally should be done, even if it means you have to have a constant supply of Mountain Dew on hand.

Do you know of any other big ones or do you have one?  I have a friend that used to run around the couch 3 times before the ball was pitched to his team during the playoffs. He has always been one of my skinniest friends, and now I think I know why.

~ Gordon Southard, JAS Hodgepodge Correspondent

BREAKING NEWS: The United Football League season is over! I can’t be totally sure that they even had their championship game, but if you go back to my blog after week 1, you will notice that I picked the Tuskers to win it all. If I had to guess, I would say they did. So will they be back next season? Despite losing 30 million dollars as a league and averaging a meager 10,000 fans per game (which seems high to me), they are planning on coming back….and expanding! Commissioner Michael Huyghue stated yesterday that they are looking at putting a team in Omaha and/or San Antonio. It looks like New York’s team will also be moving to Hartford (Sorry to JAS’ Tim who is certainly heartbroken).  Huyghue seems to be committed to the UFL for at least 2 more years. God willing things will turn around.

MORE UFL NEWS: Maybe the system is actually working? News out of Indianapolis is that the Colts have signed Redwoods’ QB Shane Boyd. The Carolina Panthers signed Tusker Quinton Culberson, Ravens signed Charles Ali from the Sentinels. Matt Bryant from the Tuskers was picked up by the Falcons and about 5 other players were signed to teams’ practice squads.  This is exactly what the UFL wanted. They stated early on that they never wanted to compete with the NFL, merely compliment them.

Warm up to the Winter Olympics: With less than 80 days until Vancouver, the US team has run into some speed bumps…or moguls. The US Ski Team golden boy TJ Lanning is out for the year after a nasty little skiing tumble that fractured a vertebrate in his neck and dislocated his right knee.  If you want to see it… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=By4iUSxZNmA . Top American in the Super G Ted Ligety finished a disappointing 8^th in the World Cup. If you are a fan of the USA dominating in medal counts, this should be an interesting Olympics for you. While you may think Canada would be a power house, the USA is 3^rd all time in medal counts (217) to the Soviet Union (217, but more Golds) and Norway (280). Canada is 7^th all time.

Crime statistics at a few Maryland Universities: This according to Stateuniversity.com

All stats are per 1000 students              (Loyola stats were not available)

Violent Crimes                  Property Crimes

 UMD- 0.56                         St. Mary’s- 39.96             

Salisbury- 0.53                   Salisbury- 16.62

Towson- 0.51                     UMD- 15.19

St. Mary’s- 0.50                 U. Balt- 14.94

U. Balt- 0.37                        Towson- 8.71    

~ Gordon Southard

Let me get to my point before the message I’m trying to deliver is misconstrued.

We hear story after story after story about the lifestyles that professional athletes and rock stars alike lead behind the scenes. While I’m sure there are many falsehoods to what you may read in the New York Post or on TMZ.com, the overriding theme seems to be that the majority of professional athletes are not faithful to their significant others. From stories about Alex Rodriguez to Jason Kidd to Kobe Bryant, true or not, the common denominator remains the same: temptation.

Please don’t take what I’m saying as a blast against the sanctity of marriage. Marriage is a great thing. It’s simply not a great thing for today’s athlete in his 20’s or 30’s. The average American male is happy if a member of the opposite sex so much as strikes up a conversation with him at the local watering hole on a Friday night. For most of us, such a flirtation would simply lead to some bragging to our buddies the next day. But for even a middle-of-the-pack American athlete, these encounters occur on not just a regular basis, but at the grocery store, while walking down the street, while waiting for a taxi or taking the dog for a walk. Take the temptation the average American male has staring him in the face and multiply it by 1,000. That is the life of the American athlete, single or involved in a relationship.

Another thing, let’s keep in mind the era in which we live. Mickey Mantle was a notorious boozer and womanizer. He would have been on TMZ.com every day during his playing days, but he grew up in an era when a professional athlete could get away with things. I mean, Dr. J had a kid in the 70’s that no one found out about until the 1990’s…we would have known that girl’s middle name, who her mother was and what her favorite color was 15 minutes after she was born in 2009. Kobe Bryant and Alex Rodriguez simply can’t keep anything in their personal lives “private”. While we can argue until we’re blue in the face about whether the media has crossed a line in going into players’ personal lives, privacy will never exist for the professional athlete again. 

While the whole Tiger Woods story hasn’t come out yet, one thing seems to hold pretty true. There are very few A.C. Greens among modern athletes.

So, if you aren’t ready to be a one-woman guy, please don’t put on a facade and try be. You WILL get caught. While Wilt Chamberlain (a hero too many) embraced the lifestyle and didn’t try to hide anything, imagine if he had tried to. Imagine if Wilt was married with kids today and tried to hide his many nights on the town, how well would that have worked out? While there are a few athletes who can handle the temptations, most seemingly can’t. Wait until your playing days are over to tie the knot.

Just my opinion, but I’m sticking to it.

-Tim

Have you ever thought about how playing sports as a kid/young adult can mess you up for life? I am not necessarily talking about injuries (which can plague a person down the road); I am talking more about personal etiquette and lifestyles. And let me be clear, I am not talking about former athletes who competed in at the college level and beyond, I am talking about those that couldn’t make it at the college level or beyond. Over the next year or so I will take the time to analyze different aspects of a former athlete’s life as it affects them today.

Today I would like to take a look at office bathroom etiquette. Now I am writing this as a former band member and meteorology club founder. I want full disclosure as maybe it is me who has grown up incorrectly.

Work bathrooms make me very uneasy. There is just something very unsettling about doing such a private, nasty act where other strangers have done the same thing. If I have to go in there for a #2, I automatically feel this sense of guilt and discomfort. When “going” at home, I feel secluded in a room with a door and plenty of privacy. This all changes when you succumb to the dreadful office bathroom. In the public setting you are mere inches away from someone whose feet you can clearly see under the partition. I don’t know about you but I do not want to sit near anyone during that special time. In fact, I don’t want people even walking in the same area to wash their hands. I want silence and privacy. 

Common stall courtesy is to give a slight cough when you hear someone entering the bathroom. The second part of that is that the person entering should LEAVE. I would never voluntarily go sit in the stall next to someone and do my business. You would be shocked how many people do that. When someone comes and sits down next to you, it leads to unnecessary rushing and discomfort. When you hear the cough, turn around.

Over the past few weeks I have been thinking about who in the hell could be the people that ignore all warning signs and sit down next to you? You know who I think it is? Former athletes, that’s who. These are the guys that still hang on to the machismo of the old high school locker room where they used to play grab ass with teammates. Former athletes tend to think that the world works like their former locker room back in the ‘90s where the coach made you shower together and walk around in little towels and slap each other on the buttocks. Well now, these same guys think they can just strut into a work bathroom and drop trouser right next to you because “they aren’t uncomfortable with anything after dealing with the locker room for 4 years on the Milton HS cross country team.”

Some of these guys act like the work bathroom is their old stomping grounds. They try to strike up a conversation and pal around with you as you try to wash your hands. There is just something so unnecessary about the level of comfort these hangers-on have. Luckily I haven’t run into an elderly man who walks around with his pied piper hanging out….yet.

When I am in a work bathroom, I would just assume be with band members or debate club folks than a bunch of former athletes. 

~ Gordon Southard, JAS High School Drum Major Correspondent